Dear Friend:
Every year, I pull a wheel of tarot for the year and then promptly forget about it unless something’s going sideways and then I look back for reassurance, and there typically is none. This year, I’ve been trying to journal about the card each month. March’s card was Strength, reversed. So, I went into the month knowing I’d need courage, but absolutely underestimating just how much fear I found myself under. Fear of everything (except turning 36, which I did happily, but everything else). So thank God this month is coming to a close, I’m ready to move on.
Writing
You know how I was talking about fear? This is what happened…I was stalled on one book, so then I switched over to something brand new. I suddenly started writing differently. A voice. First-person. I couldn’t “see” a movie anymore. I felt wobbly and strange, so the writing was achingly slow. I couldn’t tell if anything was good or terrible. When I tried to go back, I couldn’t, it seemed aggressively fine but not what I wanted. So there I was, couldn’t go forward and couldn’t go back. I sat there, spinning my wheels. I wrote 3,000 words (a first chapter). This was in the first few days. I assumed I’d figure it out, gain some confidence, what have you, but the month dragged on. Finally, at the end of the month, I tagged in my agent, Patrice.
We had a lot of options, a lot of paths to take. But she asked me, what are you most passionate about? And despite knowing that this moment of all moments, I needed to have a passion for making some money, I blurted out. . . I have a vision.
Chasing immediate stability has never served me. Despite my fear, despite the challenge artistically, for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want to put out into the world. I could hear my passion when explaining, and I don’t recall ever feeling or hearing that in myself before. So we have a plan, and I’m unstuck.
Reading
All my reading is done in the school parking lot, but this month I was on a surprising number of meetings in the school parking lot. But I managed to read the book Hannah Whitten recommended in her interview, Land of the Beautiful Dead. And the second volume of Vagabond.
Media
God, I didn’t do anything this month. I watched a great music documentary on Netflix, This is Pop. (I miss VH1 music docs). As well as Top Gear Grand Tour Episodes—and yes I know the hosts are assholes, but goddamn they are hilarious. I wish, weirdly, more author things had the vibe of a Top Gear challenge.
Daisy Jones and the Six came out! I was so excited for this, but it was disappointing. I mean. . . for starters, it’s just very. . . clean? Where is the seventies sleaze? They needed a pinch of HBO’s The Deuce. I found myself wanting to just watch a Fleetwood Mac Documentary with a chaser of Almost Famous. Also, there was no fog or smoke in their “concert” scenes. Did anyone even have a lit cigarette? How do you make a seventies rock show with no cigarettes or smoke? Also, did you notice the stage lights didn’t really move while they played. I mean. . . anyway. I love the book. Maybe I’ll just reread the book.
My background noise TV has been The Middle, which is my soothing mom content. I rewatched Contrapoints Envy video. And also, I somehow got sucked into this current season of the Bachelor?!?! The man looks like Johnny Bravo and he just eliminated the genuinely hot, genuinely cool girl and yes, I have a small crush on her.
Other things I read this month:
What TikTok’s Conffesional GRWM videos say about our Culture of Oversharing
That Brandon Sanderson article (more on that next week)
Personal
I had one goal this month—take a walk everyday. Now, I usually walk, and nearly everyday, but this was different. My kids like hiking and I’m still recovering from growing and birthing a baby, so I’m walking to get back into mountain hiking shape. I used to love sad girl walks, but now I have to take the dog and the baby so it’s more like a multi-tasking walk juggling poop bags and leashes and treats and pacifiers. I have a plan for the order of my next hikes, but right now we are working through a horrible virus and my work has been overwhelming, to say the least. But I’m getting there. I want to be able to hike Stone Mountain with my oldest before it gets too hot, but that’s 5 miles of a lot of elevation changes with 16lbs plus of baby attached to me.
On a dumb aside, I was able to combine a 20% off coupon with a $30 off gift card and get a pair of sandals to beat to hell all summer for $25. I have a pair of lesbian Teva’s and I love them, except I’m really more of a pansexual Teva, so:
Dinner Ideas
Best meal of the month was huevos con chorizo—a tube of chorizo, add eggs, serve with a box of yellow rice and a can of refried beans with the little green chilis added on top. A close second was this tagine style Moroccan chicken which was so easy and delicious and tender, a chickpea coconut curry, a stuffed French toast, a quiche, and my daughter’s requested birthday dinner—balsamic chicken, pasta, tomatoes and fresh basil, all tossed in balsamic dressing rounded out the month. One of the surprise hits was leftover biscuits with a fried egg and a smoked Gruyère cheese—the boys loved that before school one day.
April’s tarot card is the knight of pentacles reversed, so not much better. (I typically pull a lot of reversals, hello control issues!) But maybe it’s simply signaling the need for discipline and focus now that I’m unstuck.